NONKINSENSE
Adventures of an Analog Man in the Digital Universe, with a little help from my friends and relations.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Ark, who goes there?
In an August, during a taping of "This Week In Atheism," we (the panel of two others and myself) commented on an article regarding a certain Dr. Bob
Cornuke of the Christian Worldview Network. Dr. Bob had just returned from
Iran with what he claimed is "stunning evidence they may have found" Noah's
Ark. [For decades twinkies have been claiming that the Ark is located on Mt.
Ararat in present-day Turkey. Nevermind that virtually every piece of
"evidence" brought back was either inconclusive, refuted, misinterpreted or
blatant lying about scientific proof and a false claim that the Turkish
government had authenticated the find.] What this means is that, apparently,
having failed to legitimize the site in Turkey, they've moved the location
to Iran. Since the Ark seems to be moving from place to place, I have asked
viewers to please let us know if they've seen it. Thus, I inaugurated
"ArkWatch" and I hope to display a deliberately crudely drawn map with a
cardboard cutout of Noah's Ark (I think it should look like it was drawn by
a 7-year old suffering Ritalin withdrawal--which means that I'm eminently
qualified to do the artwork) to plot the locations of the "sitings" as it
moves around the world. So, we have been asking viewers on almost every
show, "if you've seen Noah's Ark PLEASE let us know."
OK, how do you know if you've seen evidence of Noah's Ark? Surprisingly, you
don't have to be WARSHED IN THE BLUDDA JESUS, but it helps.
The following items or conditions COULD qualify as evidence that you have
encountered Noah's Ark:
1. Two pairs of dead animals.
2. Two pairs of live aniimals.
3. Two pears.
4. An impression in the ground or rocks roughly in the shape of a very big
boat or you actually see a very big boat or you can do an impression of a
very big boat.
5. An impression in the ground or rocks roughly in the shape of the ribs of
a very big boat.
6. An order of ribs.
7. An original 45 RPM disk of the 1961 release, "Gypsy Woman," by The
Impressions.
8. One or more large oval stones with drilled holes in the top indicating
that they could be anchor stones.
9. Just the holes.
10. You're stoned. (See Item #9)
11. A picture of the Ark taken from space.
12. A picture of Noah taken from space.
13. A picture of Noah taken taken from space during karaoke night while
singing the 1961 release, "Gypsy Woman," by The Impressions.
14. You realize that if you repeat the word "ark" at least five times
quickly you've pretty much nailed Popeye's laugh.
15. You wake up hung over and realize that you pretty much nailed Popeye and
to make matters worse, there are now FOUR pairs of dead animals.'
Keep your eyes peeled because Noah's Ark could be coming to your
neighborhood!
Sincerely,
The Arkmeister
Wayne the Painter - There was a tradesman, a painter named Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Catholc Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..."Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!
